Abraham and Noah: Not the Hero’s We Imagined

Hexing and Whoring

Genesis 9:20-9:27

Now Noah, a man of the soil, was the first to plant a vineyard.  When he drank some of the wine he became drunk and lay naked inside his tent.  Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father’s nakedness, and he told his two brothers outside about it.  Shem and Japheth, however, took a robe and holding it on their backs, they walked backward and covered their father’s nakedness; since their faces were turned the other way, they did not see their father’s nakedness.  When Noah woke up from his drunkenness and learned what his youngest son had done to him, he said: “Cursed be Canaan! The lowest of salves shall he be to his brothers.” He also said: “Blessed be the Lord, the God of Shem!  Let Canaan be his slave. May God expand Japheth, so that he dwells among the tents of Shem; and let Canaan be his slave.”

What a terrible father, and person.  I always associated Noah with the flood, cause obviously, but this is the last story about him in the bible.  I think it is hilarious for him to end on such a bad note and (in my opinion) for his legacy to be ruined. I want Noah to be remembered as the asshole who got drunk and naked and them cursed his son just for seeing him in such a state.  He didn’t even curse his son, he cursed his grandson through Ham. Cursing somebody for seeing you drunk and naked is wrong, but cursing their son, a completely innocent child who wasn’t even involved in the incident, is totally uncalled for.  

Genesis 10:8-10:9

Cush became the father of Nimrod, who was the first potentate on earth.  He was a mighty hunter by the grace of the lord; hence the saying, “Like Nimrod, a mighty hunter by the grace of the lord.”

I had fun reading this and wanted to share it.

Genesis 12:11-12:19

If I ruined Noah for you, I’m about to ruin Abraham for you too.

When he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai: “I know well how beautiful a woman you are.  When the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘She is his wife’; then they will kill me, but let you live. Please say, therefore, that you are my sister, so that it may go well with me on your account and my life may be spared for your sake.”  When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw how beautiful the woman was; and when Pharaoh’s courtiers saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh. So she was taken into Pharaoh’s palace.  

On her account it went very well with Abram, and he received flocks and herds, male and female slaves, male and female asses, and camels.  

But the lord struck Pharaoh and his household with severe plagues because of Abram’s wife Sarai.  Then Pharaoh summoned Abram and said to him: “How could you do this to me! Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife?  Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her for my wife? Here, then, is your wife. Take her and be gone!”

When I criticize the bible it gets NO benefit of the doubt, so…let’s construe this as negatively as we can.  Did Abraham whore his wife out to Pharaoh, get tons of gifts because of it, and then allow god to plague Pharaoh’s family as collateral damage?  The only logic Abraham offers is that his life needs to be spared for her sake, because if he died she’d presumably be stuck in Egypt forever, albeit as a mistress of Pharaoh.  If Abraham as the brother gets countless flocks, herds, slaves, asses, and camels, who knows what treasures and pleasures might be available to Sarah? Still that sounds like a weak argument.  I have always been unswayed by the “indecent proposal” scenario, but Abraham seems to have orchestrated this one himself…what a punk. Abraham never apologizes to Pharaoh, who is YET ANOTHER innocent guy getting caught up and spat out by the misadventures of god and his goons.  God knew that Pharaoh was unawares that Sarah was already married, but went ahead and punished him anyway. A few lines down it mentions that Abraham is now very rich with livestock, silver, and gold, so he didn’t return any of the riches either.  Lastly, while the bible and legend maintain that Sarah was very beautiful even into her old age, she would’ve been 65 when they went to Egypt. There had to have been a way to keep his 65 year old wife from getting so much attention, like maybe a hood?

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